Scattered

Find light through my faults,
my bad habits,
my mistakes.
Keep me running when I'm discouraged.
Make me better when "I'm okay".
I can't ask you to do the impossible,
but why an effort won't catch my eye.
I notice the way you do things.
I over analyze.
I'm not looking for a superman,
the cape is sort of tacky.
&mind to spare me the Romeo please,
the talk could come more crafty.
Half the time I don't know what I want,
Just all of what I don't.
I have been upon a time once,
the castle? just glamoured mold.
The prince that had me flying,
Ate shit in a slut's loose hole.
I thought I wanted a fairy tale story.
The simple happily ever after.
But I guess I want more story line.
Simplicity no longer matters.
I'm human, so I bore easily.
I can't settle for routine.
Maybe I'm looking for flexibilty,
Where I'm anything...and a queen.
I'm a handful I suppose.
Its not an uncommon claim.
For, girls these days say they're different.
But they couldn't come more the same.
I want someone to dance with me.
Complete &perfectly in sync.
I never believe anything is perfect,
but its just one I'd want for me.
It takes a lot to give so little,
in moments that last a lifetime.
&if every moment is spent with you,
I'd like them all to shine.
But like I said, who knows what I want.
Feelings change on a dime.
I'm scattered just like this poem,
held together by a rhyme.

Unstill

When the stakes are high, my nerves get the best of me,
&the shaking begins.
&my breathing slows to short quick breaths.
Every thought runs through my mind, though I can't recall any but the one that repeats itself more than the rest,
"Am I going to...? Yes...No...Yes"
And really its all in a moment.
One second holds the heart of my vulnerability.
I've been here before.
&now that I'm more than one string attached,
I ask you not to puppet my feelings.

Independency, I'm holding onto you for dear life.

What Should've Went In My Journal But I'm Too Tired To Write With A Pen

Today was quite an eventful day I should say.
To start off though, with last night... It was fun spending quality time with Kass. I can't remember the last time we did that and it be just so smooth, fun and natural. For some reason, I wasn't tired, which I was happy about considering I'm usually always tired from the day. And also considering that I had less sleep than I usual get too. We went to Walmart &bought crafty things. We made stuff out of oven baked clay, talk about a good night haha :)
This morning was a busy one as well. Woke up next to my freakin future roommate &best friend. It made me really want the apartment, more than I already want it. It'll come soon, we just need to stay optimistic.
I left her house and went to Walgreens for some, uh, lady supplies hahaha that sounded so old.
I realized I'm beginning to type/text/talk a little like my boyfriend. He's rubbing off on me.
Well once I got home, all I had time left to do was wrap a few gifts &then get ready for work.
I got to work right on time, 2 o clock. It was an alright shift, I guess it went by quickly. The first hour was my favorite of course, I wish I could work with Marlo more often.
He showed up on my break :) It was a nice break. I didn't hang out with him last night &I saw him for twenty mintues the night before. So it was nice to sit and talk with him for the ten minutes I'm given.
Well right after I left work, I went home. I talked to my dad, I think he wants me to pitch in and buy a new pool table. I'm gonna see how much money I have and go from there. I don't want to be completely broke.
I got my stuff for my holiday tins I made tonight with Jess &Amber, coworkers. We made them at Amber's house.
When I left to go, Marlo texts me &says hes down the street and wants to know if he can come by really quick before I go to Ambers.
So I turn around &go home. He comes &we talk for a good 15 mins<3 Then I head off to Amber's.
I get there like around 8:30, we started baking cookies, melting chocolate, sprinkling everything etc etc etc.
Three hours of cooking doesn't seem exhausting, but it was. I texted Marlo here and there, couldn't do much texting because I was busy stressing over the freakin cookies.
I hate cookies now.
No, I lied. But still, they sucked to make. Flour was everywhere &is still all over my clothes.
Well I left at 12:30am or so. Marlo told me to text him when I got home because he doesn't want me texting and driving.
I'm home now and I think he's asleep.
My brother traded in his honda civic for an eclipse. Marlo's gonna flip, thats his favorite car.
The tins are in the fridge, I'll give them out tomorrow.
Tomorrow I have a busy day again.
I want to wake up early and tidy up my room a bit.
Then finish up some christmas shopping. FINISH okay, so its not full procrastination that I'm guilty of here.
Wrap everything I bought.
I got to stop by Duy's house too, he says he needs to tell me something.
Then, I want to give out my holiday tins to the ones I made them for.
By the time I'm done with all this, it'll probably be like 4 o clock or so,
just enough time to get ready and head off to work at 5.
I'll work 5-10, hopefully we'll close sooner than we expect.
Then head home, &see from there.
I'll probably just spend family time or maybe sleep.
I'll be somewhat tired I'm sure.
If I wake up super early, then I'll take a nap in the afternoon.
Its funny I never ever took naps in high school. Maybe towards the end of the year-ish? I'd take a nap from like 3-5 then get up and do homework, eat with Kassie, or watch TV until about 8 o clock, which is when I'd normally go to the gym.
I wanna have a set time where I always go to the gym.
I'm gonna establish a set time...soon haha.
I really wish my sister was here. I wish my Uncle was in bakersfield too. Christmas just isn't the same w.out them and my grandma.
It's crazy how things can change. Five years ago, I remember how Christmas was. The christmas tree was filled with presents from my grandma, she spoiled us; my uncle spoiled us too at the time. He was still married then and his wife &her daughter were close to us too. My dad, mom, Faith, Josh and I weren't really effected by high school that much, so we spent most of the time w.the family. So christmas was just all around more family oriented.
Right now there isn't any presents under the tree. I've procrastinated on my christmas shopping... kinda. And my parents have procrastinated also, because they're doing it all tomorrow. Faith's in Iraq, but she sends her love. My Uncle is spending it with his fiance. Since the divorce, he hasn't had much money, so he hasn't had many opportunities to come down from Nevada to visit. It used to be a given that he'd be down for the holidays, but not so much anymore. My grandma passed away a little over four years ago, but I know she's watching over us.
It's crazy how life changes. I told myself I want to spend as much quality time with my dad as I can.
Today he said something that really stuck out to me.
He knows me and kass are trying to get an apartment together, we're just waiting for kass to find a better paying job.
He told us that he supports us and wants us to be out on our own.
Today he came into work and told me about how josh traded in his car for a new one.
He asked me if I wanted to trade the jeep in.
Of course I'd want to trade it in for a better, reliable car, but I want that apartment.
Josh has to make a 280 dollar car payment every month for his car.
I can't afford a car payment and an apartment, I'd be broke.
I choose the apartment which is why I won't trade any car in.
Besides, my dad put the malibu in the shop, so it should be good and running again.
I have to pitch in a couple hundred for it, but its what ever gets the job done.
I know I'm going on a rant but I don't mind.
Anyway, so before my dad left my work, he asked "so have you guys found kassie a job?"
and i said "no.. why?"
and he said "well you said you needed to keep money for the apartment so I thought maybe she found a job already"
and i said "oh no, i mean when we do find her a job"
and he said "or you can stick with a car payment and not leave me haha i'm just kidding sweetie"
He's never ever said that before. I think deep down he doesn't want me to move out, but he knows he's going to let go someday.
I think its just Josh is too selfish to want to spend time with dad.
And also too stupid to carry on a mature level of thinking for a mature conversation.
Me and my dad can talk about anything really.
And sometimes, I can tell he just wants to spend time with me.
So sometimes, I do drop all my plans just to sit and have a conversation with him.
Life's short and unpredictable.
I love my dad with all my heart, he's the best dad any girl can ask for.
And I mean that.

I think I'm tired now. I've been typing for a little over 30 minutes.
This is going to be a long blog.

This is what happens when your best friend is probably sleeping, your boyfriend IS sleeping, and so is your dad.
...well in my life at least :)

Goodnight<3

Finally Letting Myself Fall

Serendipity [ser-uhn-dip-u-tee]
-noun
luck in making desirable discoveries by accident.

When I'm not feeling it anymore, you bring it back to surface.
You sweep me off my feet without even trying.
I walked off &I didn't expect it but you came in after me.
You blow me away.
How I came across you, I have no clue.
I'm lucky to be experiencing anything with you.
When you kiss me, everything in me comes alive.
No, no you're nothing of what I expected.
You're not what I was looking for.
I found you on accident.
&I couldn't imagine a better discovery than the boyfriend I found in you<3

I Had A Great Day Today

Woke up to his phone call.
Quick lunch &chat with the best friend before work.
Worked first two hours of my shift with him.
Sat &talked with him and the coworkers until closing time.
Mozarella Sticks &Sampler with him at Dennys.
Drove me home &the usual text goodnight<3
Tomorrow, christmas shopping with Jess.
Great way to start off this week I'd say :)

Just A Quick Ramble One Song Can Cause

Soo its been quite a new turn for me.
A year &two months, its about freakin time I'd say.
I failed my Philo class, boooo.
I didn't like that class or teacher anyway.
B in Stats, thats whats up :) A in tennis.
B in American History woo.
I'm really excited about that B in stats.
I'm listening to "You'll Think Of Me" by Keith Urban.
Brings back a lot of memories.
Its crazy to think that, in life, I went through half the songs that I've listened to,
&I never thought I would.
I never thought I'd be cheated on by someone I love &left for another girl.
I never thought I'd have to face them together for 5 months,seeing them everyday.
Seeing her hold the guy that occupied two years of my life,
seeing her hold the guy that was supposed to be my only love.
&if someone were to warn me, tell me, that this were about to happen to me.
I'd probably be scared out of my mind.
How I got through it, I'm not sure.
I guess I kept my head up no matter how much I just wanted to hit the floor.
I kept walking &faced every single flame of that fire.
I was scared. I was hurt. I was lost, didn't know what to do.
I was winging it every single one of those damned days.
What doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger.
And I tell myself, if I can make it through something like that.
I can make it through much more than my mind lets me believe.
I look back now, it doesn't even phase me.
Memories no longer reach me enough to make me feel anything.
Mike was right, he said a year from now it wouldnt matter to me.
It doesn't matter to me.
Its amazing to think how much something can mean to you.
Something could mean absolutely everything to you.
You'd give up anything for it.
But in time, that very same thing could mean as simple as nothing to you.
Its funny how things work out.
All I can say is, look at me now.
oh if only that broken hearted little girl knew how she'd be like now...
She wouldn't believe it.
Cause I still don't :)

I'm On Some Kind Of New Leaf Here

So I'm learning something new about myself every day. That's how I know I'm still young I guess.
I have a new-found respect for my mom's friend Helen.
Completely new perspective on that.
I'm really going to change the way I treat her.
Noname is sitting next to me and boy have I had the longest day.
I am so emotionally drained with this problem I've dealt with ever since I was a little girl.
I am drained.
However, I am awaiting a simple visit that'll make this day worth something.
Much love to my best friend, boyfriend, iPod &brother for keeping me sane today.