Scattered

Find light through my faults,
my bad habits,
my mistakes.
Keep me running when I'm discouraged.
Make me better when "I'm okay".
I can't ask you to do the impossible,
but why an effort won't catch my eye.
I notice the way you do things.
I over analyze.
I'm not looking for a superman,
the cape is sort of tacky.
&mind to spare me the Romeo please,
the talk could come more crafty.
Half the time I don't know what I want,
Just all of what I don't.
I have been upon a time once,
the castle? just glamoured mold.
The prince that had me flying,
Ate shit in a slut's loose hole.
I thought I wanted a fairy tale story.
The simple happily ever after.
But I guess I want more story line.
Simplicity no longer matters.
I'm human, so I bore easily.
I can't settle for routine.
Maybe I'm looking for flexibilty,
Where I'm anything...and a queen.
I'm a handful I suppose.
Its not an uncommon claim.
For, girls these days say they're different.
But they couldn't come more the same.
I want someone to dance with me.
Complete &perfectly in sync.
I never believe anything is perfect,
but its just one I'd want for me.
It takes a lot to give so little,
in moments that last a lifetime.
&if every moment is spent with you,
I'd like them all to shine.
But like I said, who knows what I want.
Feelings change on a dime.
I'm scattered just like this poem,
held together by a rhyme.

Unstill

When the stakes are high, my nerves get the best of me,
&the shaking begins.
&my breathing slows to short quick breaths.
Every thought runs through my mind, though I can't recall any but the one that repeats itself more than the rest,
"Am I going to...? Yes...No...Yes"
And really its all in a moment.
One second holds the heart of my vulnerability.
I've been here before.
&now that I'm more than one string attached,
I ask you not to puppet my feelings.

Independency, I'm holding onto you for dear life.

What Should've Went In My Journal But I'm Too Tired To Write With A Pen

Today was quite an eventful day I should say.
To start off though, with last night... It was fun spending quality time with Kass. I can't remember the last time we did that and it be just so smooth, fun and natural. For some reason, I wasn't tired, which I was happy about considering I'm usually always tired from the day. And also considering that I had less sleep than I usual get too. We went to Walmart &bought crafty things. We made stuff out of oven baked clay, talk about a good night haha :)
This morning was a busy one as well. Woke up next to my freakin future roommate &best friend. It made me really want the apartment, more than I already want it. It'll come soon, we just need to stay optimistic.
I left her house and went to Walgreens for some, uh, lady supplies hahaha that sounded so old.
I realized I'm beginning to type/text/talk a little like my boyfriend. He's rubbing off on me.
Well once I got home, all I had time left to do was wrap a few gifts &then get ready for work.
I got to work right on time, 2 o clock. It was an alright shift, I guess it went by quickly. The first hour was my favorite of course, I wish I could work with Marlo more often.
He showed up on my break :) It was a nice break. I didn't hang out with him last night &I saw him for twenty mintues the night before. So it was nice to sit and talk with him for the ten minutes I'm given.
Well right after I left work, I went home. I talked to my dad, I think he wants me to pitch in and buy a new pool table. I'm gonna see how much money I have and go from there. I don't want to be completely broke.
I got my stuff for my holiday tins I made tonight with Jess &Amber, coworkers. We made them at Amber's house.
When I left to go, Marlo texts me &says hes down the street and wants to know if he can come by really quick before I go to Ambers.
So I turn around &go home. He comes &we talk for a good 15 mins<3 Then I head off to Amber's.
I get there like around 8:30, we started baking cookies, melting chocolate, sprinkling everything etc etc etc.
Three hours of cooking doesn't seem exhausting, but it was. I texted Marlo here and there, couldn't do much texting because I was busy stressing over the freakin cookies.
I hate cookies now.
No, I lied. But still, they sucked to make. Flour was everywhere &is still all over my clothes.
Well I left at 12:30am or so. Marlo told me to text him when I got home because he doesn't want me texting and driving.
I'm home now and I think he's asleep.
My brother traded in his honda civic for an eclipse. Marlo's gonna flip, thats his favorite car.
The tins are in the fridge, I'll give them out tomorrow.
Tomorrow I have a busy day again.
I want to wake up early and tidy up my room a bit.
Then finish up some christmas shopping. FINISH okay, so its not full procrastination that I'm guilty of here.
Wrap everything I bought.
I got to stop by Duy's house too, he says he needs to tell me something.
Then, I want to give out my holiday tins to the ones I made them for.
By the time I'm done with all this, it'll probably be like 4 o clock or so,
just enough time to get ready and head off to work at 5.
I'll work 5-10, hopefully we'll close sooner than we expect.
Then head home, &see from there.
I'll probably just spend family time or maybe sleep.
I'll be somewhat tired I'm sure.
If I wake up super early, then I'll take a nap in the afternoon.
Its funny I never ever took naps in high school. Maybe towards the end of the year-ish? I'd take a nap from like 3-5 then get up and do homework, eat with Kassie, or watch TV until about 8 o clock, which is when I'd normally go to the gym.
I wanna have a set time where I always go to the gym.
I'm gonna establish a set time...soon haha.
I really wish my sister was here. I wish my Uncle was in bakersfield too. Christmas just isn't the same w.out them and my grandma.
It's crazy how things can change. Five years ago, I remember how Christmas was. The christmas tree was filled with presents from my grandma, she spoiled us; my uncle spoiled us too at the time. He was still married then and his wife &her daughter were close to us too. My dad, mom, Faith, Josh and I weren't really effected by high school that much, so we spent most of the time w.the family. So christmas was just all around more family oriented.
Right now there isn't any presents under the tree. I've procrastinated on my christmas shopping... kinda. And my parents have procrastinated also, because they're doing it all tomorrow. Faith's in Iraq, but she sends her love. My Uncle is spending it with his fiance. Since the divorce, he hasn't had much money, so he hasn't had many opportunities to come down from Nevada to visit. It used to be a given that he'd be down for the holidays, but not so much anymore. My grandma passed away a little over four years ago, but I know she's watching over us.
It's crazy how life changes. I told myself I want to spend as much quality time with my dad as I can.
Today he said something that really stuck out to me.
He knows me and kass are trying to get an apartment together, we're just waiting for kass to find a better paying job.
He told us that he supports us and wants us to be out on our own.
Today he came into work and told me about how josh traded in his car for a new one.
He asked me if I wanted to trade the jeep in.
Of course I'd want to trade it in for a better, reliable car, but I want that apartment.
Josh has to make a 280 dollar car payment every month for his car.
I can't afford a car payment and an apartment, I'd be broke.
I choose the apartment which is why I won't trade any car in.
Besides, my dad put the malibu in the shop, so it should be good and running again.
I have to pitch in a couple hundred for it, but its what ever gets the job done.
I know I'm going on a rant but I don't mind.
Anyway, so before my dad left my work, he asked "so have you guys found kassie a job?"
and i said "no.. why?"
and he said "well you said you needed to keep money for the apartment so I thought maybe she found a job already"
and i said "oh no, i mean when we do find her a job"
and he said "or you can stick with a car payment and not leave me haha i'm just kidding sweetie"
He's never ever said that before. I think deep down he doesn't want me to move out, but he knows he's going to let go someday.
I think its just Josh is too selfish to want to spend time with dad.
And also too stupid to carry on a mature level of thinking for a mature conversation.
Me and my dad can talk about anything really.
And sometimes, I can tell he just wants to spend time with me.
So sometimes, I do drop all my plans just to sit and have a conversation with him.
Life's short and unpredictable.
I love my dad with all my heart, he's the best dad any girl can ask for.
And I mean that.

I think I'm tired now. I've been typing for a little over 30 minutes.
This is going to be a long blog.

This is what happens when your best friend is probably sleeping, your boyfriend IS sleeping, and so is your dad.
...well in my life at least :)

Goodnight<3

Finally Letting Myself Fall

Serendipity [ser-uhn-dip-u-tee]
-noun
luck in making desirable discoveries by accident.

When I'm not feeling it anymore, you bring it back to surface.
You sweep me off my feet without even trying.
I walked off &I didn't expect it but you came in after me.
You blow me away.
How I came across you, I have no clue.
I'm lucky to be experiencing anything with you.
When you kiss me, everything in me comes alive.
No, no you're nothing of what I expected.
You're not what I was looking for.
I found you on accident.
&I couldn't imagine a better discovery than the boyfriend I found in you<3

I Had A Great Day Today

Woke up to his phone call.
Quick lunch &chat with the best friend before work.
Worked first two hours of my shift with him.
Sat &talked with him and the coworkers until closing time.
Mozarella Sticks &Sampler with him at Dennys.
Drove me home &the usual text goodnight<3
Tomorrow, christmas shopping with Jess.
Great way to start off this week I'd say :)

Just A Quick Ramble One Song Can Cause

Soo its been quite a new turn for me.
A year &two months, its about freakin time I'd say.
I failed my Philo class, boooo.
I didn't like that class or teacher anyway.
B in Stats, thats whats up :) A in tennis.
B in American History woo.
I'm really excited about that B in stats.
I'm listening to "You'll Think Of Me" by Keith Urban.
Brings back a lot of memories.
Its crazy to think that, in life, I went through half the songs that I've listened to,
&I never thought I would.
I never thought I'd be cheated on by someone I love &left for another girl.
I never thought I'd have to face them together for 5 months,seeing them everyday.
Seeing her hold the guy that occupied two years of my life,
seeing her hold the guy that was supposed to be my only love.
&if someone were to warn me, tell me, that this were about to happen to me.
I'd probably be scared out of my mind.
How I got through it, I'm not sure.
I guess I kept my head up no matter how much I just wanted to hit the floor.
I kept walking &faced every single flame of that fire.
I was scared. I was hurt. I was lost, didn't know what to do.
I was winging it every single one of those damned days.
What doesn't kill me, only makes me stronger.
And I tell myself, if I can make it through something like that.
I can make it through much more than my mind lets me believe.
I look back now, it doesn't even phase me.
Memories no longer reach me enough to make me feel anything.
Mike was right, he said a year from now it wouldnt matter to me.
It doesn't matter to me.
Its amazing to think how much something can mean to you.
Something could mean absolutely everything to you.
You'd give up anything for it.
But in time, that very same thing could mean as simple as nothing to you.
Its funny how things work out.
All I can say is, look at me now.
oh if only that broken hearted little girl knew how she'd be like now...
She wouldn't believe it.
Cause I still don't :)

I'm On Some Kind Of New Leaf Here

So I'm learning something new about myself every day. That's how I know I'm still young I guess.
I have a new-found respect for my mom's friend Helen.
Completely new perspective on that.
I'm really going to change the way I treat her.
Noname is sitting next to me and boy have I had the longest day.
I am so emotionally drained with this problem I've dealt with ever since I was a little girl.
I am drained.
However, I am awaiting a simple visit that'll make this day worth something.
Much love to my best friend, boyfriend, iPod &brother for keeping me sane today.

Where's The Rest Stop

Ive decided that, I never know what the heck I want for longer than 3 days.
I don't know what that means or what that makes me.
Really, I know what I want in the long run.
It's just these stupid little situations that leave me wanting to come to a full stop,
and say "Really, where the fuck am I going with this..."
I know where I want to go, but I feel like I'm trying to get to New York in a car I've never driven before.
And I'm given no direction because the map I once followed led me straight into a sort of sin driven hell of a relationship.
So, I'm driving cautiously trying keep up with traffic &stay within the speed limit.
Not knowing where I'm going, but knowing where I want to end up.
Aye, aye, aye.
LIFE.

18 Years, &Oh If I Could Count The Lessons I've Learned

So its the first time I actually have 4 hours of time to kill.
I woke up early today to clean the garage with my parents &brother. My cousin Kayla spent the night, so she was asleep since it was so early. I just got back from the hospital. My Aunt Judy is going to be okay, thank god.
Its weird how everything turns out,
&how I'll look back at the most recent post of mine &think about how its all different now.
That recent goodbye, I guess was a see you later.
I won't delete that post, considering I WAS saying goodbye.
I was done, it was it.
But,
an apology, a note, flowers, face to face talk...
I guess I need more perspective than I was given, or than I was letting myself see.
Everything I figured on his end of the situation was completely off.
I assumed nowhere near close of what he actually felt.
Lesson learned, don't jump to conclusions.
&be thankful to have a boy determined enough to catch you when you come down from your leap.
&even more thankful to have a best friend to stick it out with you when you think you've really hit ground.

My Last Sigh

And when it all turns to dust, I remember I'm the one still standing.
I forget why I held on and remember why I let go.
Yes, I'm let down. Majorly let down.
He was something different, something nice, something that seemed promising.
So he, in turn, was very special to me.
There'll be more guys that'll have their different effects on me I'm sure...
But in a month and a half's duration of time,
He showed me things and feelings and actions I wasn't used to.
Day by day, they became familiar and felt right.
Right enough for me to trust again without question,
and have faith without reason.
As fast as it all came back, I let it go.
Thats one thing I've learned; do what you think is right no matter how much it hurts.
Oh, it hurt. Boy, does it still do.
I think I got my closure tonight, and I think I can move on now without hard feelings.
But more importantly, I can simply, move on.
It was a fun ride, Punkface.
This is my goodbye to you.
Love, GoofyGoober

I'm Stuck On You

And even if this turns up into nothing,
I'll be glad to know that we were at least something.
I can't remember the last time I felt this way.
I guess I've just tamed my mind into never letting a boy's actions reach passed my eyes.
Something about you fascinated me,
drew me closer,
&left me more than open to anything you had to offer.
You're different from every guy I've taken notice of,
from each guy I've given attention to,
&from any guy I imagined to be "my type".
You're the last thing I would've shot for,
And the effort I put forth into getting me to exactly where I am now with you, is unbelieveable.
After everything I've been through before, yes, I am scared.
But for some crazy reason, I find you worth the risk.
Even if its amounts to nothing.
Even if I end up hurt at the end.
Even if what ever the worst could be happens.
We were something.

Unpredictable

So here we go again.
I want to be more than friends.
With every day that passes,
I learn more about you.
I learn more of your good &bad.
&with every passing flaw, I find ten things I like about you.
I like being around you.
No matter the occasion.
Pride aside, I like you.

I'm on another one of the trips I always swear to myself I won't be on.
I'm just taking each day as it comes.
&life right now, is good :)

To A Bird

The distance was too much on me.
I miss US.
Our days having no-life together, our talks having no limit, &of course, our nights.
We're both all over the place.
&this Bean misses her Bird in crime.

Onto Another Memory

Took a major fall from that cloud.
But through all the heartache Ive had before,
I learned how to fly away from this one.
&I came out alive.
<3

The Fall

Its a little scary here up on Cloud 9

:)

Just A Quick Thought Before My Thoughts Before Bed

Gosh, I just got finished writing my 750 wrd paper for History.
That paper almost ate me whole.
Procrastination, such a hard habit to break. Ehh.

So, these passed two days have been quite the trip for me.
Definitely something new, something different.
I don't care if it all leads nowhere,
because right now I'm into adventure.
And this curiosity has taken off for flight.
:)

Embrace The Happy

Ah the day had so much potential.
But its okay :)
Work is a definite rollercoaster, I'm coasting the bottom once again with my own gender.
Used to it, they'll get over it.
Life is good.
:)

Like I Used To

Does she kiss you with full meaning?
Does she love you with her heart?
Does she always think what's best for you,
Even when she's in the dark?
Does she give you what you need,
Without you asking even once?
Does she hold your so hand tightly,
Knowing forever is so long?
Does she say your name politely?
Do her eyes glow at your face?
Does she keep her word completely,
making sure you know your place.
Does she hold you when you're crying,
When you're hurt beyond control?
Does she know all of your wrongings,
and still love you even more?
Did she see beyond your faults,
that everybody once singled out?
Did she love you when no one did?
Does she love you when it counts?

And My Answer Is, They're Equal

I cried myself to sleep last night...
It wasn't about a silly boy this time.

Ever felt like you know its time to let go of someone?
You know, when things just aren't going right.
& you're just not feeling it anymore.
You find out whether its something real or all a phase.
And you back out, broken hearted.
A broken heart you won't let come to surface.
Because what you've been through has given you the strength to keep it down this time.
Because this all feels too familiar.
So you know when its time to walk away from everything.
& you do what you gotta do.
Because its time for change,
the change you swore up and down wouldn't touch you.

I was listening on the radio one morning,
it was a talk.
And they asked the question:
"Which is worse, losing a serious boyfriend or a best friend?"

I Don't Understand.

Nooo. Nope. Uhh nah. Nope. Not my type. Nah.

I just don't get me :/

Taken For A Spin

Lies grow on eachother.
And the more lies told, the more fragile everything gets.
It takes ONE truth to knock down every single lie.
Stick to what you know, never let go.
& always remember:
If it doesn't all add up, it's because it's not supposed to.

Reality hits.

But this come down is worth the two days I spent on Cloud9.
& I'd do it all over again.

Chromosomes.

It must be easy being a guy.
With a world that isn't weighed down by feelings.
With a day not filled with hope.
& a heart not filled with faith.
Girls are made to be broken.

What It Comes To

Remember when love was enough?

Once Upon A Time Will Life Ever Be Simple

Silly children, juggling words like forever.
Thriving off lies like love.
And growing away from what they'll soon miss so dearly.
Oh, childhood...

A Night Of Stories

I had too many dreams with too much meaning last night.
I feel overwhelmed.
Well, the first one was good.
I was at work, my second job.
One of the co-workers & I were having our little moments that I usually spend the rest of the day replaying back in my head.
Then it switched, and I had a reoccurring dream.
I've had this dream, I wanna say, 5 times before?
It's about my grandma.
They somehow brought her back to life & I knew about it.
She was brought back to life for a few months,
and when she was right back to her deathbed,
I'd look at her and cry.
Because I didn't spend as much time as I should've with her.
Even given a second chance at life with her in it, I didn't take full advantage of it.
And I felt like a horrible person.
I felt like I let her, God and myself down.
And in these dreams, I'm always crying. I always wake up crying.
Last night's dream, I was rubbing the side of my grandma's face,
combing her hair behind her ears with my hands.
And all she'd say is "Its okay baby"
...I woke up and wiped my face off. Got a drink of water & fell back asleep.
So my mind drifts off into a different area of my life.
In this one, my ex calls me.
I don't know why I answered him, but then again I don't know why I ever have before either.
So I answer, he finds his way passed my short words & obvious attitude,
like he always does.
Its our history that allows him to do that.
And its my mind that doesn't let him get far.
He told me to come to Las Vegas that weekend.
He said "My girlfriend Caitlyn is okay with it"
That bothered me, and I told him I wasn't gonna go.
I was sitting on the corner of my old old old house off of Rocky Road Ave.
All I could think about was how much I hate what he did to me emotionally.
And how the places I'm in are too routine sometimes.
I woke up, Pluto was licking my cheek.
Cats have rough tongues.

I'm gonna get ready for work, Panda Wok.
Today is my last day on the job.
I call it the second big move I made for myself.
Life is so weird.

I Ditched Earth Today.

Everything bothers me at this point.
It's as if I'm coming down from a natural high.
It's as if all I've been excited for lost its flame,
and now I just want to lay down and pretend I don't know how to dream.

Today, I was absent from the world.
I felt no belonging to anywhere.
Everything I liked about myself hit the floor,
take every mirror away from me.

I'm not even hungry.
And to top it off, I'm home alone right now.
Maybe its what I need.
or maybe its routine that's driving me crazy.
Maybe its everything I want to fix but can't.

I'm hoping maybe it's pms.

Fresh

I've learned alot about myself.
Nowhere near enough though.
With everything I've been through,
I still don't know what I want.
I just know more of what I don't want.

I don't know if I want a boyfriend.
And I don't know if I don't want one.
I just don't know.
I'm not even dating, I've been single for almost year now.
I've never felt so free, full of any decisions I can choose to make.
It's a different feeling.
Having feelings for absolutely no one.

I'm very independent and what I want most is to be getting somewhere.

Weekend Fun

This weekend has been a busy and different one.
I realized how much I missed Hannah!
And I discovered how completely twisted the makers of Saw movies have to be.
I have work 11-3 then 4-8 today.
With 4 hours of sleep, I hope I'm up for it.
I get paid tomorrow from Panda Wok.
What I'm really waiting for is my Wienerschnitzel one on the fifth!
Idk, I'm sitting on my couch.
And felt like blogging really quick before going off to work.

Now, I'm leaving.
:)

What Everyone Should Consider

I'm making up with an old best friend.
It feels nice.
I missed her and I missed just being her friend.
I'm glad we're okay now.
This is two years overdue.
But the past is gone.
:)

Because I Don't

My family is one to always stick by me.
My pets can make me smile for any reason.
My job supports me no matter what.
My car has the speed to give me butterflies.
Books have the ability to spark my thinking.
Schooling encourages me to do my very best.
My friends are the ones to believe that I can.
...and anybody can look me in the eye & call me babe.

So remind me again, where is it that I need you?

Senses Came To Me

I once gave my everything to this person I just walked out on.

Let's Not Try To Go For Miles When On Empty

I can't forget you, believe me I've tried.
It doesn't mean I'm in love with you.
It doesn't mean I'm obsessed with you.
It doesn't mean I can't get over you.
It doesn't mean you're in my future.
Or even that you're in my present.
I just simply am unable to forget anything that holds mile-stones of my past.

The Truth Of It Is...

People our age want to believe in having someone right now to be with for life.
But we all just can't accept the fact that we're too young to settle down.
Grown ups always said we were too young to fall in love.
They weren't saying we were incapable.
We were just too young.

People Come & Go. Are You People?

If I'm not met halfway,
I pull back.
Because, I've experienced enough.
Enough to know I shouldn't be giving my all into any friendship/relationship with anybody.
So if you want me in your life,
you'll meet me halfway.
Because I promise you,
I'll be standing right there at our halfway point.
And not an inch further, not an inch less.

See, In My Case, A Phone Call Had To Suffice

I knew fully-well what I was talking about.
The words that left my mouth were long overdue.
These passed few days opened my mind,
but this time, wide enough for my heart to take part.
Feelings do change on a dime.
I've been back and forth for quite some time.
Wanting to move on to new and better things.
But, refusing to forget the connection we had.
The love,
The friendship,
The chemistry.
...Things change.
And this one, on a dime.
I now know what I loved about you.
Nothing.
I was in love with you,
meaning... anything close to everything you did, was perfect.
You made no mistakes in my eyes,
because my heart justified your every move.
I was in a trance.
You were in heaven.
You took quite a bit of advantage of me.
I can't take back the things I gave to you when I was with you.
But I can take back who I was without you.
The strong girl I slowly turned my back on brought herself to surface.
And, I choose her.
I love that part of me way more than I ever loved you.
This is my final goodbye, first love.
My final goodbye to you.

For The Love Of Animals

Baby, I thought you were gone.
I thought you were dying.
I thought we lost you.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
She wasn't supposed to slam the door,
& your head wasn't supposed to be there...
My father helped you breathe,
And you're pulling through.
You seem to function a little better,
You are starting to make more sense.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry nobody saw you.

Stay strong, you're such a trooper.
My Pumba<3

Excuse me?

I am who I am.
I stand up for what I believe in.
I forgive too quickly.
I move forward fast enough to where I forget what I was running from.
I'm scared.
And I'm fearless.
Sometimes I'll pretend to be okay.
I make bad choices, and learn my lessons.
I'm happy go lucky with a little bit of planning thrown in the mix.
I'm 18 years old, I'm 18 years young.
I have friends that I adore;
I have ones who don't adore me.
I fell in love once, and I know it'll happen again.
I swear I could move a mountain if I set my mind to it.
So I'll hate, but eventually will stop caring.
I hate being sick and I eat too much on the weekends.
I call it when I've gained a few pounds.
And am modest when I notice a couple inches off my waist.
I live in my moments.
And remember as much as I possibly can about anything.
I'm a bright young lady with her future ahead of her.
I'm an innocent baby child who never wants to let go of her past.
I believe in second chances,
& God.
I'm as close to human as you can get without having to clone another.
I am who I am.

Simple Situation

But darling, where does this take us on this beautiful summer's eve?
Connected.

Caught On Guard

I shouldn't have felt anything from your random text.
"Time will never kill the pain" at 11:14PM
I guess it just didn't feel like it was one in a million this time.
I should've never took concern in "It doesn't matter".
I shouldn't have called you.
You're still the only one that could keep me talking for that long,
keep me wanting to keep talking.
I never wanted to stop talking to you.
I know you well enough to call your performance.
I felt your heart again, it was no act.
I got the truth from you last night.
You've realized I'm not your silly freshmen anymore.
So with your confession, you had nothing to lose.
It hurts, because you're still the only one.
Nobody has touched me in the ways that you have.
Which will always give you way right back to my heart.
Its not my place to be the one to understand why you did what you did.
I'm supposed to accept what you did & learn from it.
I think I've learned a wrong lesson here.
I learned to hate you.
Last night, I forgot,
& I missed you again, not just what you were to me.
I miss you.
I was convinced you lost me, I wanted nothing to do with you.
Now, I miss you?
My ears got caught on your words of the past.
My heart was then yanked along,
and smacked right up against you.
You had my virgin love,
so I grew to love you without reason.
Yes, high school got the best of you.
It got the best of me too.
But, I can't help but shake the feeling I get when I think about what I was put through.
You can't mend these scars.
And although maybe I might've wanted to,
I can't mend them either.
Time won't kill the pain, but it'll help in other ways.
And those other ways, will rid your pain.
I can't keep letting you go like this.
You gotta stop coming back to me.

Everybody tells me what you are.
But my opinion of you, is always on me.
Oh, how you can make me sway.

Pushed Passed Tolerance Point.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of having mad mess said about me.
To friends who I believed would stick up for me.
I'm tired of being penalized for misinterpretation,
for someone ELSE choosing false perspective.
I'm tired of being treated like crap,
without warning or without fair reason.
I'm tired of trying to make things work with those who are thriving off the broken pieces of a ridiculous situation.
I'm tired of drama altogether.

I'm sticking with the REAL out there,
and shying from the silly games.
Grow up, because thats where I'm headed.
And in no way will I hesitate to leave anyone, who refuses to come with me, behind.

Friends work WITH, not against.
Lesson learned, now measures taken.

Take It Or Leave Me

Its funny how people change.
Some for better, some for worst.
It doesnt surprise me.
Relationships, however, can have me sitting.
Can have me thinking.
Can start my writing,
On a night like this.
I do believe some friendships come, while others go.
But I cant help but to have more of a forever-feeling
with those I have more faith in.
I ask nobody to stay,
because that gives the option of leaving.
I dont like labels anymore.
They represent nothing but a shallow claim.
If you mean something to me, Ill miss you.
If I mean something to you, I wont have to.
Because, youll never leave my side.
People forget how to be a friend nowadays.
They give up too easily,
forget too quickly,
and given this world of struggle,
letting go is all they know.

Things You Write When You Cared Too Much

Ask me if I miss you,
But I'll probably lie.
I'm all drama but it won't be your problem.
I've accepted your distance,
And I've created my own.
But distance helps nothing if I still care.
Acting does anything but mend this resentment.
How am I supposed to let you know what you're doing to me
When I don't want you to know you have that power over me?
Let alone have that power in the first place.
Talking things out comes natural to me,
And this situation is so unnatural.
I know what you did to push me away,
But what did I do for you to not wanna stay?
Why are you such a guy?
Number 3, Number 1, Number 6, I was still only a number.
And if I didn't already feel little enough,
You not caring about me has me feeling almost invisible.
There's so many things I want to tell you,
But its everything you just cannot know.
You once told us it was inevitable, one of our feelings will get hurt.
I just didn't expect you to salt the wound.
So celebrate, you're right. You're always right.
You won.

Conserved

I hear about what girls are willing to do these days,
how fast they're willing,
what they so easily choose to give up,
and who they are giving things up to.
I honestly don't know how they could.
I don't know if that makes me a prude,
or if that makes me old fashioned.
I just can't bring myself to do half the things any other girl would.
It's probably one of the topics that I'll always put much thought forth into figuring out.

Maybe he was right, girls do come a dime a dozen.

Time Moves On With or Without You

What's the point of expectations,
In this life that is so unpredictable?
I find myself sitting on my brother's bed,
On a saturday evening in silence.
Just thinking...
With college coming up and so many more expenses,
its a wonder as to how people have done this before me,
and how people right now are handling this better than I am.
I plan to do better for myself, there's always room for improvement.
I sit here, not sad, pretty content with life.
But everything is happening too fast,
and its just not never been in my interest to rush through it all.
We're all going to go our seperate ways,
and I'm never good at letting go.